I spent a good bit of the day today wanting to yell, “Shut Up!”
I’m not sure why. Husband watched Little Man and gave me quite a bit of space this weekend to work … so it shouldn’t have been for lack of down time. There was certainly nothing more Husband could have done. He was more than supportive. Still, it was there. So now, at quarter ’til 11, I’m feeling horrible … like a worthless wife and mother.
I can pinpoint the moment it hit. Green Bay was losing, Husband was not happy and discussing strategy, we had friends over who were chatting, I was watching Little Man and he was fussy because he hadn’t had a nap. I just wanted to be somewhere else.
One day, I’ll figure out how to explain all of this stuff. About how most times I feel like I’m totally inferior to Husband when it comes to dealing with everyday stuff … sometimes including caring for Little Man. About how absolutely crippling that can be. About how I feel like I will never measure up … how defeating that is.
See, the thing is, I don’t think Husband will understand. I take that back … he will understand. I’m not sure he will comprehend why I don’t just fix it. I’m not sure I understand why I seem unable to.
It’s pretty simple for him. He believes that you make a list and tackle it one-by-one … simple as that. He believes that you work until you’re done and then you play. I don’t function the way he does. I can, for a while, but not for long. I start with purpose and resolve … I work for improvement and then it simply melts and I beat myself up a bit.
Secretly, I believe he thinks I’m the marital equivalent to Randy Moss … selfish and not a team player. Tonight … I’m not sure I would disagree.
If it was just Husband … or my mother … it would be different. It’s not. I want Little Man to respect both his mom and his dad. I want him to have a functional family. I want him to accept everyone for who they are … including himself. He’s only going to do that by example. I’ve got some work to do.
Hmmmm … thought this would make me feel better. It didn’t.