Lessons in Humanity

I had to take a couple of days off after NaBloPoMo. Blogging every day took a bit more out of me than I thought it would. Having said that, I think I’d do it again. Just not in December!

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve noticed my patience frittering away. Hmmm … maybe frittering isn’t the best description. It’s more like evaporating. I’m fine one minute and the next, I’m just done. There are, of course, predictable triggers. Whining is a slam dunk and there are some others – but that discussion would rabbit trail this rabbit trail!

I’ve spent a bit more time than I would like beating myself up in the last few weeks. Tonight, as I was worrying about the long-term effects of this current phenomenon on my kids, I was reminded of my classroom days.

Back then, before I had kids myself, I believed that it was important for my students to understand that everyone is human – even their teacher. Especially their teacher. So, within appropriate boundaries, they saw me in all kinds of modes and moods. They saw me solve problems both in good, productive ways and in ways that were not the best. It all became part of who we were as a group and what we did as a group – my behavior was as big a part of things as theirs was. We learned a lot about humanness. Together.

I still believe that I was right and that this sharing (or maybe lack of pretending on my part) was a positive thing. It’s just one of the more difficult things for me to translate into day-to-day mommyhood.

So, fast-forward to my current funk. I’m notorious for beating myself up when I screw up (or perceive that I’ve screwed up). When it comes to losing patience with the kids, I tend to get in mental trouble when I let my mind drift to thoughts of what Little Man and BK will remember about their childhood. It’s an overwhelmingly intimidating thing to think about (so, frankly, I try not to most days).

What I want most is for them to look back fondly and think of Husband and I as supportive and loving.  I want them to remember the hugs and the giggles. I want them to recognize that the discipline and toughness were all part of the learning process – all about us wanting them to be the best humans that they can be. I’m terrified that they will remember us a grouchy, overbearing, and discouraging.

And then it hit me. Being human includes some fairly nasty stuff – anger, grouchiness, whining, stress, and all of the other delightful emotions and reactions that crop up from time-to-time. Part of being the best human you can be is knowing what to do when you aren’t at your best. Part of being the best you can be is knowing how to react when folks around you aren’t at their best. The lessons haven’t changed. The relationships have.

I’m not foolish enough to think that I’ll stop beating myself up every time I get snippy with the kids (or with Husband). It’s something I do (and is probably a decent way to keep me in check).  But all of it, absolutely all of it, is very much a part of being human. And, we are all human – even mommies.